3 years and counting

Boy so much has happened in 3 years.... Tomorrow is the 3rd, i don't know to call it anniversary...since anniversaries are about happy things.. i think...but its been 3 years since my Target fiasco. I really hope this Target thing is over soon... so i can get it out of my mind, but i don't think it'll ever be out of mind...but I want the case settled and of course in MY favor!! In 2 months it'll be our 3rd wedding anniversary...god feels like its been 30 years.. and not all good either =/ got a bunch of new family members that always a good thing....so many births in the last 3 years, that's always a good thing... i just hope the next 3 years will be better...well let me change that.. i just hope the next year will be better then the last 3.

thought of the day....

I found this quote the other day and have been reading it everyday and thought it was really nice...

TREAT YOUR GARDEN LIKE A LIVING BREATHING EXTENSION OF YOUR HOME--A ROOM WITH A CEILING MADE OF SKY

another day....

Well...so far I guess so good...perhaps.... yes he drank..BUT he wasn't sloppy drunk like he usually gets...he drank a couple of beers AFTER I went to bed. I have a feeling that will be his new thing. to him beer is not alcohol...that's a bad thing. he was or actually seemed to be 100% sober when I got home from work and seeing Julie . I say seemed to be because I really don't remember ever seeing him actually 100% sober our entire relationship =/ if I did it was soooo long ago i dont recall. but i guess its a step in the right direction...he is showing an effort and that to me is a big thig. yes i would like for him to be 100% sober all the time... but i know its an addiction and you can ask a alcoholic to sober up over night..i do know this and realize this..my biggest thing is I just wanted him to TRY...to be sober for Isaiah..and show him the rights in the world. from what I'm gathering the poor kid has gotten the short end of the stick and being the person I am...try to make it right.He is my step-son....not just some stranger. well yeah technically we are strangers, since i havent met him yetor talked to him...but the fact is still there he is my son and if Ramon & I do stay together he is a part of my life.

we'll see.....

Well I came home from work today and he was sober...then he went to get smokes.. and came home with a "black bag" which means there is a small bottle of "something" in there. He did the dishes and is cooking dinner and did some of his laundry.. but like I have said in the past he'll do this for a few days and then think " i'm over it" and go back to his "normal routine" but NOTY this time sweetie.... I'm sticking to my guns YEAH ME =)

no sympathy from me....

Ramon will get no sympathy from me. he was awake when I was getting ready for work this morning....complaining he cant sleep.... and his foot bothers him ( has gout in it)....then he made a comment about its because he's not drinking... I told him no sympathies here.... I just kept on doing what i was doing.. he was trying to get sympathy from me.. AIN'T GONNA DO IT!!!

**SIGH**

What a long few days.. work seems like its getting longer...but easier ( can that be true??!!)

I gave Ramon my note.. but yet have really seen him or talked to him to hear his reaction on it. I guess tomorrow will be the day... since he's off Monday & Tuesday and those are his drinking days. I"m sure he'll ease down to "please me" and then when he thinks I'm not aware he'll go back into his normal routine...but he doesn't realize that I'm serious about this.

I don't want to leave him...I do love him...but I just cant take it anymore.. I'm worn out.. and BOY that took alot of doing.. I don't wear out easily.

Hope everyone has a Happy Weekend

unhappy & unwanted

I'm really getting unhappier by the day it seems... there is just so much going on in my life, or the lack of things going on. I really cant wait for this stupid Target case to be over with...that stress' me out more then anything I think...besides having an extrememly lazy uncaring husband. his days off he drinks & sleeps...and then on his work days he sleeps until like an hour to 30 minutesd before he has to be there. Like today he doesnt have to be in until 4pm and he'll sleep until 3ish at least... never wants to spend time with me... I'm really getting over this marriage thing.. and we havent even been married 3 years... I vowed I would never get divorced , since I am a product of a divoced family and I always said I would never.. when I marry it'll be forever.. but I'm really second and third guessing this stuff.... I think I'm alot happier by myself. I miss my family.. everyone seems so far away from me right now... I feel so alone and unwanted... just want it to be all over with

Husbands

This is a letter I wrote to Ramon.... He just pissed me off so bad the other night he came to me and asked me to write a TOP 10 REASONS list why I hate my husband. Well this si what I came up with.

Ramon,
You wanted to know 10 reasons why I hate my husband. Well I will tell you as many as I can think of now.

1- you drinking
2- your lack of consideration towards me

When I come home from your on Monday & Tuesdays I would love for us to spend time together- perhaps watch a movie, play a game- but we cant do thatbecause you are too loaded. you either are passed out or need me to take you for more booze.
Well form here on out I WILL NOT TAKE YOU FOR MORE BOOZE!! you want it get it yourself.. you have a bike.. you are home all day get it yourself. no runs to 7-11, the gas station... none of tyhat... I will take you to owrk & pick you up.

I would like you to help with the trying to keep uyp the house cleaner. I clean & then you trash it again.. I'm tired of doing everything. Yes once and a blue moon you do your fair share of cleaning and laundry. and you will cook once and a while too...belive me that doesnt go unnoticed. But i'm tired of doing it all wiht no help. I'm up early on my days off to do laundry, clean, food shopping, etc..

I'm also going to tell you that I do love you wiht all my heart & soul but when you are in Colorado please do some heavy thinking about us. What do I mean? I'mgoing to ask you to make a choice..
its going to be either US or the BOOZE
I'm at the end of my rope with all this... There were/are so many time I just want toi pack up and leave.
I've thought about leaving many time...why?> its not because I don't love you or care about you--its the drinking
I'm fed up with not having a husband...I know I made the vow for better or worse but right now its way worse then anything. There are time I don't even feel I have a husband.. I have a roommate or acquaintance. This is not what I pictured a marriage to be. Call me old fashioned but to me a marriage is where 2 people who love each other like it was their last days...where there is love, respect, commitment, adventure and romance. I know its not going to happy & cheerful 24/7 but I would settle for 12/7...right now my happiness level is negative..a negative what I'm not sure...I just know i"m not happy.
I know you love me & care about & for me but if you really do then you will TRY TO GET HELP or GET BETTER.

All I'm asking is that you try...I don't even see you attempting to try.

Last night..I had a slight glimmer of happiness...how? When? Where?
You were soberish when I got home- you started to clean the kitchen and making attempts to do stuff around the house without asking. We ran errands, you cooked a wonderful dinner then you started drinking and that blew it for me. I went to my escape the computer and you had to finish everything you bought...all the beer & vodka.

is this what you want to show & teach Isaiah? "hey your old man is a drunk" and this is OK? I hope not.
Now that Isiah is back in our lives I would love to try & be a good influence on him..I'm sure he hasn't had it that easy.,.. if he did then he wouldn't be where he is right now.
I have been thinking about the 3 of us, after we win the Target case, I know I've been against going to Colorado, to move there, but now Isiah is there he needs structure & stability despite his age & I would love for us to be there for him.

BUT!! I'm afraid you will get back into your old habits and I'm be miserable
Please think long and hard about everything I've said, because a decision needs to be made. YES I can make it without you financially, it will be tough at first but I'm strong, so you tell me, but I know I can do it. So don't worry about me... worry about US
I need to see how strong and determined you are... see if I/us really matter to you. The reason why I wrote this to you is because its easier for me to write my feeling then say them. and when we talk about stuff we fight.. and I'm tired of that too...

I Love you...but I think you are making me fall OUT of love ... I hope not

Love you

UUUGGGHHHH

UUUGGHHH!!! Why does life & Marriage have to be sooo difficult??!! I love him to death but the stupid ass sh** that he does drives me totally insane!! He can be a complete ass one second and then does something totally sweet the next.

See How it goes

Hey there... Going to see how I do on this... Yeah I'm copying my sister =) But this might just help with all the "stuff" going on in my life. I can just ramble as much as I want.. and I do ramble ( get that from MOM). I will talk and gripe about much of something and a whole lot of nothing.. if you don't like it don't read. I'll say what I mean.. I will get pissy, be pissy...My husband unfortunately makes me pissy alot of the time. We've only been married almost 3 years, but we've been together 6 years, GOODLAWD, feels sooooooooo much longer =/ .