Susan "Suzie" Marie is here!!

Here she is!! The newest member of the tribe!! Susan "Suzie" Marie, born Oct 27th, at 11:47am, and weighing a mere 6lbs7oz! What a tiny little thing she is!! I know technically she weighs more then abag of flour, but she feels like she weighs sooo much less then that. I bawled my eyes out the first time I held her. I cant wait to experience all the firsts with her and watch her grow up.

Still alive....barely...

I know its been a while..but so much has been happening. I went to the Ortho Doc to have my hip checked out.. and all is AOK..except he wants me to lose 100 pounds.. I was like oh yeah I'll have it off tomorrow ..no problem. Then Shannon went into the hospital for about a week or so from a serious UTI/Kidney infection... BUT Little Suzie is AOK. Her C Section is due around Nov 3rd-7Th. So the count down on that begins!!
NOW... I'm out of work for the week because of my back. Doctors orders. I can hardly walk, sit, stand. so sitting here right now hurts a bit. Not as much as it did the other day its getting better. Has some traction done today and that felt good. So I go back again to him tomorrow morning.
Mom will be here in about a week or so and the house looks like crap!! That's another thing I have to get better for. But as long as I have it done in time for Thanksgiving all will be good!! I cant wait for T Day when I get to see everyone! Its been way too long.!!

That's all for now... cant sit much longer!!

doctors

well i made it to yet another Dr appointment... to only find out that I have to go and see and orthopedic Doc for my hip & back now. So on Sept 29th I have an appointment to see and Ortho Doc. My primary Doc said i have "Severe Arthritis" in both my left hip ( the one that hurt 99.9% of the time) and my lower back. That ALSO there is no cartilage left in either places....so now I'm just wondering what's going to happen.... they say life begins at 40??!! I don't think so.... I know MORE Dr appointments begin then... so we'll see what happens in t6he next few weeks. At least I have some pain meds I can take for when my hip/back get too bad for me.

Deposition!!

FINIALLY!!

They set a date for my deposition for my case.... November 13th @ 1:30PM

Its been a long process.. and I knwo its not over yet...its really NOW just the begining..Target is just wasting time and all... I really doubt they will actually bring it inot a court room..but if they do..I'M READY!! I have nothing to hide...I did nothing wrong!!

I'M INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT!!!

family

as the year is winding down and I'm getting older ( UUGGHH ) and the holidays are approaching I keep thinking about my family and the ones that are no longer here. I found this great old picture of my parents as little kids and whenever I see this I have to smile. Just knowing that my parents ( the 2 on the left) knew each other since they were born!! How cool is that!!

getting old sucks!!

Boy who knew getting old sucked this bad!! I hate having a bad back...for some strange reason it bothers me more in the month of August then any other time of year. I remember last year August was the last time I was at my Chiropractor for adjustments. I wish he was still around, he moved his practice to North Carolina...PHOOEY DR. DAVE... I haven't found another one...I guess because I haven't needed one... but I think its something more then my back that bothers me. I think its my hip...my left hip.. everything happens on my left side... wonder if that means something **perplexed**

OH WELL.... thank heavens for muscle relaxers, heating pads & ice! Now only if I could bend down in the mornings to put my socks & shoes on I would be OK. but I guess that's why I have Ramon to wake up in the mornings to do that ** grinning** Guess I need to make an appointment with my DR to have them check out my hip issues...
OK going to rest some more...

family

Was searching through abunch of old pictures and found this one.. I remember when it was taken.. it was Thanksgiving 2002, Mina was only 6 months old...her frist Thanksgiving...now shes 6 YEARS old!! Boy time flies when you're having fun!! I'm hoping that I'll have her here again this Thanksgiving with everyone else..it'll be great to have the family together again.

He's Home...

Ramon finially got home last night, after delaying his flight by a day due to Tropical Storm Faye. The storm realy was much of nothing...just a bunchj of wind and rain... and according to the airline he would have made it home ontime despite the weather....OH WELL.. I got an extra day of freedom.
He had a nice time in Colorado, enjoyed seeing his family. Loves seeing Isaiah, but not happy that Isaiah left early & never said goodbye. They fought alot, he ( Isaiah ) didnt like the rules that were set, cerfew and such. I really hope that Rqamon & Isaiah do keep in touch. I have thought about writing Isaiah a letter to express to him hw much he really mean s to Ramon and how thats all I ever heard about since we met was "his son". Also tell him how we tried for so long to look for him, so we could establish some kind of communication, but was unsuccessful, but i'm not sure =/
nothig much happening here...just taking things day by day

proven facts....

well.... I went and saw Julie tonight ( my therapist) and we discussed alot of things as always, but tonight she had me take a "real" physc test to measure my depression levels. and the results are....

I AM SEVER LY DEPRESSED

DUH!! Tell me something I already didnt know.... but this will be a GREAT tool towards my case against Target...because it is certifiable..and not one of these things you take online or anything.

She will be mailing all the information that Target requested tomorrow...so the ball is rolling rolling rolling... lets just hope I hit a home run with it all.. I know I will.. because I did nothing wrong =P

peace & calm

These last few days without Ramon have been wonderful...granted I do miss him...but I do not miss the mess, the drinking and the choas. I have talked to him everydaya dn he said that Isaiah is a handful. They got into a few fights already, I told him that is to be expected...he doesnt know you just like you dont knwo him...this si a time to sit down adn try and get to know him. Find out his likes & dislikes. Meet his friends that he has made...just spend time together. He's like yeah yeah yeah... same stuff he tells me.. its all BLAH BLAH BLAH...

Oh well I'm sure it'll all work out in the end..somehow, someway it always does.

Well time to clean a little more.. the house is clean...just have a few things to tidy up and then I get the rest of the day to ME!! YEAH ME!!

=)

It was a good day... work went great... got ALOT done.. more then I ever had in a long time.. at least it seems like I did. I really like the new manager at work, he actually lets me do what I have to do, and I get it all done, instead of why isn't this done why isn't that done... i like that. Ramon left for Colorado today.... he should be landing there in a couple of hours.. had a long flight with layovers...wont get to his moms until like midnightish their time which will be like 2am our time =/
its getting late and 5 am gets here quick...

its gonna be a lovely day

AAAHHHHH

I dont knwo why but for some strange reason I feel as if soething was lifted off my shoulders.. maybe it could be because I know that Ramon is leaving tomorrow for a week and I'll have chance to do what I what to do when I want to do it?! I dont know...but it could be the calm before the storm too... but there does seem to be a calm in the air or around me at the moment (despite the rain & thunder going on outside)
I like this calm...but not going to take it for granted just going to deal with everything day by day and ME FOR ME

shouLd i care? should i worry?

should i care? should i worry?? i don't know.. i just don't know anything anymore... i just know 1 thing and that I'm not happy. i just want to cry all the time...just don't care.. I'm always worried, scared , unhappy. why? for many reasons.. first my marriage.. its falling apart...let me rephrase that.. it is apart.. i don't really think it was together to begin with. but that's just my thoughts. no one ever thought i would marry, settle down yada yada yada. I know I'll never have kids...and i think that bothers me the most...but i have my great nieces, nephews & godchildren to love and spoil like they were and are my own. I think i'll be alot happier if i was alone and stayed that way... wont have to worry about anybody or anything but me and my fur babies





IN THE IMFAMOUS WORDS OF TOBY: "


"IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, ALL ABOUT I"

GODDESS

Your result for The Mythological Goddess Test...

Isis

Indeed, you are 75% erudite, 71% sensual, 58% martial, and 63% saturnine.

This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres.

Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion.

She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon.

Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”.

The Fifteen Goddesses

These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in …

…all or none of the four variables: Neit. …
Erudite: Minerva. …
Sensual: Aphrodite. …
Martial: Artemis. …
Saturnine: Persephone. …

Erudite & Sensual: Isis. …
Erudite & Martial: Sekhmet. …
Erudite & Saturnine: Nemesis. …
Sensual & Martial: Hera. …
Sensual & Saturnine: Bast. …
Martial & Saturnine: Ilamatecuhtli. …

Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Maeve. …
Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Freya. …
Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Sedna. …
Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Macha.

Take The Mythological Goddess Test at HelloQuizzy

old habits die hard....

well i guess things wont change... so i have to make changes... ramon leaves monday to go and see Isaiah in Colorado...Isaiah has been getting into trouble and called his mom, saying he wants to go home to New Mexico...ramon is upset over that..since he cant be there physically to guide him...but i told him that as long as you call him everyday and try adn tell him the rights from wrongs, until you/we can move out there and be there physically for him that is alot too. but isaiah has to be in court for an incident that took place... not sure of all the details...but due to all this "drama" ramon started drinking heavy again... so needless to say he's back inot his old habits... and guess what i'm over it again.... so when ramon gets home tonight I will sit down with him while he's still sober and tell him...eiother he stops or stay in colorado when he goes... dont come back... i dont want it i dont need it...i need to think of me...only took me 39.75 yars to do that.. i have always thought of and done for everyone else...now that i'm going to be 40, they always say things change when you turn 40...well i think THIS will be my change. I knwo it goes against all my beliefs, dreams & wishes but i have to do what i have to do. i knwo it will be tough and hard but i know i have my family and friends there to support me and when my Target case settles...that will be a BIG load off my mind. speaking of my target case, julie, my therapist, called me Friday to tell me she was served a supenoa to hand over my medical records... i informed her that ken, my lawyer, already truned over the records in our claim...to contact him and see if it ok to do that. I have nothing to hide, just want to make sure that they can do that. I called Julie yesterday to see what the outcome was, what Ken said, and she informed me that I needed to come into the office and sign a relaese foir the records..she said it will all be good..they probably want to compare the records to see if anything was forged or misconstruedin anyway. but at least things are moving forward and quicker then before. when the case is settled and if ramon & I are not together I will give him something from it...since he was there for me and through it all with me...its fair and his name is on the case as well as part of the mental anquish he has endured with/through me. boy what an entry..... been a few days...but will try and do it daily... but i have a dull life..persay

feeling bad.....

4am Ramon is banging and making all kinds of noise...needless to say yeah he was drunk....I was losing sleep ( have to get up at 5am )...I go inside to see why all the noise..and he has his headphones on listening to his music...and smashing an empty shoe box & he's crying.... apparently Isaiah got inot trouble...to the point that he has to go to court and Veronica ( Isaiah's mom ) is coming to take him back to New Mexico and Ramon is upset becasue he feels as though he's losing his son again... he knew about Isaiah when he was 3 and dropped on his doorstep, with the words I cant handle him...he's yours you take him...well ramon raised him until he was 5...then Veronica comes and want to take Isaiah out to dinner...and that wasthe last time Ramon heard from him/them. Ramon and I got together about 2-3 years after all that and we've been together 6 years now and all I ever heard about was Isaiah...and now that Ramon has talked to him everyday since they contacted us, this si the happiest I've ever seen him...but now this... Isaiah thinks its cool to go to jail... I just wish I had him in front of me to slap reality into him...but I cant say anything to him..to him I'm just his dad's wife.. i'm not his mom, I have no say. I feel bad... but thankfully ramopn leaves next Monday (8/11) for Colorado to see him and his court date is (8/18) so Ramon will get to spend a week with him. I told Ramon that he's not losing him again. We have an address & phone number and he has our phone number & address... so the contact will be there. There's the softee in me I feel bad

explains alot

Your result for The Genuine Depression Test...

Extreme depression

You scored 41 depression

Your answers suggest that you may be suffering from extreme depression. However I am not qualified to give any sort of advice about this so I say again, if you are feeling depressed then Please talk to your doctor or someone professional and get some real help.


I hope this little test has helped some people or has at least been interesting and will stop people talking about being depressed when they don't know the real meaning.

Take The Genuine Depression Test at HelloQuizzy

3 years and counting

Boy so much has happened in 3 years.... Tomorrow is the 3rd, i don't know to call it anniversary...since anniversaries are about happy things.. i think...but its been 3 years since my Target fiasco. I really hope this Target thing is over soon... so i can get it out of my mind, but i don't think it'll ever be out of mind...but I want the case settled and of course in MY favor!! In 2 months it'll be our 3rd wedding anniversary...god feels like its been 30 years.. and not all good either =/ got a bunch of new family members that always a good thing....so many births in the last 3 years, that's always a good thing... i just hope the next 3 years will be better...well let me change that.. i just hope the next year will be better then the last 3.

thought of the day....

I found this quote the other day and have been reading it everyday and thought it was really nice...

TREAT YOUR GARDEN LIKE A LIVING BREATHING EXTENSION OF YOUR HOME--A ROOM WITH A CEILING MADE OF SKY

another day....

Well...so far I guess so good...perhaps.... yes he drank..BUT he wasn't sloppy drunk like he usually gets...he drank a couple of beers AFTER I went to bed. I have a feeling that will be his new thing. to him beer is not alcohol...that's a bad thing. he was or actually seemed to be 100% sober when I got home from work and seeing Julie . I say seemed to be because I really don't remember ever seeing him actually 100% sober our entire relationship =/ if I did it was soooo long ago i dont recall. but i guess its a step in the right direction...he is showing an effort and that to me is a big thig. yes i would like for him to be 100% sober all the time... but i know its an addiction and you can ask a alcoholic to sober up over night..i do know this and realize this..my biggest thing is I just wanted him to TRY...to be sober for Isaiah..and show him the rights in the world. from what I'm gathering the poor kid has gotten the short end of the stick and being the person I am...try to make it right.He is my step-son....not just some stranger. well yeah technically we are strangers, since i havent met him yetor talked to him...but the fact is still there he is my son and if Ramon & I do stay together he is a part of my life.

we'll see.....

Well I came home from work today and he was sober...then he went to get smokes.. and came home with a "black bag" which means there is a small bottle of "something" in there. He did the dishes and is cooking dinner and did some of his laundry.. but like I have said in the past he'll do this for a few days and then think " i'm over it" and go back to his "normal routine" but NOTY this time sweetie.... I'm sticking to my guns YEAH ME =)

no sympathy from me....

Ramon will get no sympathy from me. he was awake when I was getting ready for work this morning....complaining he cant sleep.... and his foot bothers him ( has gout in it)....then he made a comment about its because he's not drinking... I told him no sympathies here.... I just kept on doing what i was doing.. he was trying to get sympathy from me.. AIN'T GONNA DO IT!!!

**SIGH**

What a long few days.. work seems like its getting longer...but easier ( can that be true??!!)

I gave Ramon my note.. but yet have really seen him or talked to him to hear his reaction on it. I guess tomorrow will be the day... since he's off Monday & Tuesday and those are his drinking days. I"m sure he'll ease down to "please me" and then when he thinks I'm not aware he'll go back into his normal routine...but he doesn't realize that I'm serious about this.

I don't want to leave him...I do love him...but I just cant take it anymore.. I'm worn out.. and BOY that took alot of doing.. I don't wear out easily.

Hope everyone has a Happy Weekend

unhappy & unwanted

I'm really getting unhappier by the day it seems... there is just so much going on in my life, or the lack of things going on. I really cant wait for this stupid Target case to be over with...that stress' me out more then anything I think...besides having an extrememly lazy uncaring husband. his days off he drinks & sleeps...and then on his work days he sleeps until like an hour to 30 minutesd before he has to be there. Like today he doesnt have to be in until 4pm and he'll sleep until 3ish at least... never wants to spend time with me... I'm really getting over this marriage thing.. and we havent even been married 3 years... I vowed I would never get divorced , since I am a product of a divoced family and I always said I would never.. when I marry it'll be forever.. but I'm really second and third guessing this stuff.... I think I'm alot happier by myself. I miss my family.. everyone seems so far away from me right now... I feel so alone and unwanted... just want it to be all over with

Husbands

This is a letter I wrote to Ramon.... He just pissed me off so bad the other night he came to me and asked me to write a TOP 10 REASONS list why I hate my husband. Well this si what I came up with.

Ramon,
You wanted to know 10 reasons why I hate my husband. Well I will tell you as many as I can think of now.

1- you drinking
2- your lack of consideration towards me

When I come home from your on Monday & Tuesdays I would love for us to spend time together- perhaps watch a movie, play a game- but we cant do thatbecause you are too loaded. you either are passed out or need me to take you for more booze.
Well form here on out I WILL NOT TAKE YOU FOR MORE BOOZE!! you want it get it yourself.. you have a bike.. you are home all day get it yourself. no runs to 7-11, the gas station... none of tyhat... I will take you to owrk & pick you up.

I would like you to help with the trying to keep uyp the house cleaner. I clean & then you trash it again.. I'm tired of doing everything. Yes once and a blue moon you do your fair share of cleaning and laundry. and you will cook once and a while too...belive me that doesnt go unnoticed. But i'm tired of doing it all wiht no help. I'm up early on my days off to do laundry, clean, food shopping, etc..

I'm also going to tell you that I do love you wiht all my heart & soul but when you are in Colorado please do some heavy thinking about us. What do I mean? I'mgoing to ask you to make a choice..
its going to be either US or the BOOZE
I'm at the end of my rope with all this... There were/are so many time I just want toi pack up and leave.
I've thought about leaving many time...why?> its not because I don't love you or care about you--its the drinking
I'm fed up with not having a husband...I know I made the vow for better or worse but right now its way worse then anything. There are time I don't even feel I have a husband.. I have a roommate or acquaintance. This is not what I pictured a marriage to be. Call me old fashioned but to me a marriage is where 2 people who love each other like it was their last days...where there is love, respect, commitment, adventure and romance. I know its not going to happy & cheerful 24/7 but I would settle for 12/7...right now my happiness level is negative..a negative what I'm not sure...I just know i"m not happy.
I know you love me & care about & for me but if you really do then you will TRY TO GET HELP or GET BETTER.

All I'm asking is that you try...I don't even see you attempting to try.

Last night..I had a slight glimmer of happiness...how? When? Where?
You were soberish when I got home- you started to clean the kitchen and making attempts to do stuff around the house without asking. We ran errands, you cooked a wonderful dinner then you started drinking and that blew it for me. I went to my escape the computer and you had to finish everything you bought...all the beer & vodka.

is this what you want to show & teach Isaiah? "hey your old man is a drunk" and this is OK? I hope not.
Now that Isiah is back in our lives I would love to try & be a good influence on him..I'm sure he hasn't had it that easy.,.. if he did then he wouldn't be where he is right now.
I have been thinking about the 3 of us, after we win the Target case, I know I've been against going to Colorado, to move there, but now Isiah is there he needs structure & stability despite his age & I would love for us to be there for him.

BUT!! I'm afraid you will get back into your old habits and I'm be miserable
Please think long and hard about everything I've said, because a decision needs to be made. YES I can make it without you financially, it will be tough at first but I'm strong, so you tell me, but I know I can do it. So don't worry about me... worry about US
I need to see how strong and determined you are... see if I/us really matter to you. The reason why I wrote this to you is because its easier for me to write my feeling then say them. and when we talk about stuff we fight.. and I'm tired of that too...

I Love you...but I think you are making me fall OUT of love ... I hope not

Love you

UUUGGGHHHH

UUUGGHHH!!! Why does life & Marriage have to be sooo difficult??!! I love him to death but the stupid ass sh** that he does drives me totally insane!! He can be a complete ass one second and then does something totally sweet the next.

See How it goes

Hey there... Going to see how I do on this... Yeah I'm copying my sister =) But this might just help with all the "stuff" going on in my life. I can just ramble as much as I want.. and I do ramble ( get that from MOM). I will talk and gripe about much of something and a whole lot of nothing.. if you don't like it don't read. I'll say what I mean.. I will get pissy, be pissy...My husband unfortunately makes me pissy alot of the time. We've only been married almost 3 years, but we've been together 6 years, GOODLAWD, feels sooooooooo much longer =/ .